Jokes

I was about to leave the base and go home. Then I noticed a very unwelcome detail: my push bike was punctured... It's so hard sometimes, when life slaps you right in the face, as you least expect it! A little thing can really ruin your mood... In any case I had to do something about it! As I commenced to repair my flat tyre a fellow rider, Adam Velvet, came over smoking a roll-up. I decided to tell a joke, just to pull myself together. It went on about three black fellows taking a leak down the river, while standing on a bridge. "Oh shit!" - said one of them - "The water is so cold!". "Ooh! The bottom is so muddy!" - added the second one. "Aww! Careful gents! There are crawdaddies around that river's bend!" - stated the third one''... I looked at Adam waiting for his reaction. "I don't get it...!" - I knew he was honest with me. "Let me think about another one... Oh! I'm sure you will like this one better!" The second joke was about native Americans collecting a huge quantities of firewood for winter. One of those guys was actually a bit of a thinker and some day asked himself a dramatic question: "Why are we doing it?" So he went to see the chief of his tribe to ask him this question. The chief told him he didn't need to be silly. It was their much respected shaman who had predicted a severe winter to come. Winter came indeed, but it wasn't that cold. Our hero got even more frustrated when a serious firewood picking started again, next year. He tried to persuade the elders of the tribe but they told him he didn't need to be silly. It was their much respected shaman who had predicted a severe winter to come and any complaints fell on deaf ears! The geezer didn't give up. He decided to seek the truth in a big city of palefaces. He found out that those responsible for foretelling the weather are called meteorologists. He got in touch with them and inquired what was the prognosis for the next winter. They told him, they had been expecting the winter to be exceptionally tough. After he asked how did they know that, they politely informed him: "The natives have been collecting firewood, extensively, for two years in a row, you see!" "I don't get it..." - said Adam. I decided the time had come for something well sleazy. "Do you know the one about a prostitute who sucks your cock while whistling your favourite melody?" He didn't. "In a port town, at one of the taverns, a bunch of seamen was chilling, telling stories. One of them recalled an unusual encounter. Once, while visiting a Caribbean island, he found a brothel where a local harlot served him a delicious fellatio, at the same time whistling his favourite melody! He even named that island, that brothel and that girl. Nobody believed him, of course. Some months later a sailor, one of that chilling party, by pure coincidence found himself on that island and in front of that brothel... He couldn't stop himself, stepped in and asked about the girl, who blows while whistling. She was there! Before he could even get surprised she took him to her room, asked about his favourite melody and switched off the light... She really put herself to it, whistling that favourite melody of his and, to be honest, he was very impressed by her performance! Surprisingly he didn't lose his head amongst those guilty pleasures. His hand touched the wall and moving slowly found the switch on it. First thing he saw, after the light went on, was a glass eye on the table..." "I don't get it!" - Said Adam. He seemed annoyed. "What's wrong with you, fellow?!" - I asked him as I really couldn't believe it. Just by that time we were joined by our Argentinian friend Alejandro. I told him Adam had a difficulty understanding jokes. "Hm... How about this one..." Alejandro went on about rich and widely respected señor Ignacio. He was a gentleman in his mid fifties. On the thirtieth anniversary of their wedding his wife came up with a bizarre idea. "I feel like doing something different, honey! I would like us to celebrate in a strip bar!" "In a strip bar? What kind of debauchery is that?!" - señor Ignacio didn't even want to hear about anything like that. She got her way, naturally, and he had to book them a table in the best titty bar of the town. Upon their arrival a hot hostess in the reception area was really pleased to see Ignacio. "Welcome back señor!" - She shouted cheerfully. He got a little bit confused but, after inquiring brusquely if they really knew each other, just informed her that he and his WIFE booked a table for two for the evening. They sat down and were approached by a succulent waitress who greeted him like a good friend. "So good to see you señor! Martini as usual, I suppose! What is the lady drinking?" His wife gave him an alarming look but Ignacio just gulped and said nervously that it had, clearly, to be some misunderstanding and ordered two tequilas. Although he was not happy about it at all, his wife insisted and they ordered a private show. A stunning, nineteen years old stripper came over to entertain them. She pulled a face and gave them a funny look, though.  "What's wrong with you Ignacio!" - exclaimed the lap dancer - "I have never seen you with such an old hag before!" Believe it or not, Adam couldn't quite grasp that one either...

I didn't give up on Adam. Whatever any of you could think about him he IS an intelligent bloke and no one has a right to compare him with, let say, Amir. Few weeks later I told him a joke about a blind touching a cheese grater. A blind fellow touches a grater, frowns and asks: "Who the hell wrote this horseshit?!" Adam thought a while about it and then said without a smile: "It's a good joke!"

A prick or Rich and Nerdy

"Are you still working?" - A fellow stopped me on Holborn Circus, right by our base. It was very late, something like 4.30 am, and I simply wanted to go home. "Where would you like to go?" "Picadilly Circus!" He looked all right, albeit somewhat nerdy, so I didn't ask for the money in advance. Just named my price. He said: "Fine!" and  got on. As I moved on he asked quickly: "How long?" I told him It was between ten and fifteen minutes. I worked my way uphill, towards Chancery Lane station, wanting to get done promptly with the job and come back. Things like that don't happen very often, one doesn't usually get any jobs right by the base. The unpredictable could be the worse, or the best thing in life, depending on how you play it. I was slightly annoyed by the fact, that he hired me when I had one leg already at the base but who gets really annoyed, while earning money? I gave up thinking, just put myself to it. I had to stop at the red lights, about four times. It didn't slow me down much and soon I got to Cambridge Circus. I'm absolutely sure it took me under ten minutes altogether. I stopped at the red light there, too. Suddenly the nerdy fellow shouted:
"You are taking too long! I CHECKED WITH MY GPS! It's taking too long! How much to here?!" - He jumped off my rickshaw like an angry, spoiled child. I simply couldn't believe it... Did my best to keep my cool, though, and started to persuade him: "We nearly there. The charge is the same. Jump back on. We'll be there in two minutes!" "NOOOO! It's taking too long! I'm stopping that Taxi!" - he flagged a black cab down - "I'll give you five pounds less, OK?" He opened his wallet and exposed a thick layer of dosh down there. I didn't even want to listen to this horseshit. "It's the same charge! We are two minutes away." - I repeated. He tried to pass some money to me, clearly wanting to fuck off ASAP. I felt cheated and angry. You can not be violent towards anyone unless he punches you first. Had he chosen to walk away I wouldn't have stood many chances to stop and charge him without putting my hands on him. It would get pretty awkward by that time, anyway... I really felt abused and, surely, the fury flashed in my eyes when I said to him: "Stop fucking with me!" He hesitated. I said that again, probably a bit more passionately... He paid me the price we previously agreed, then, and went towards that cab. As I drove away I kept watching him talking to the taxi driver. I guess he got refused for the cab didn't move for a long while. The driver probably explained to that fucker that he was practically there... What a fucking nons!!!
Perhaps I didn't dedicate enough attention to him, on the way. Most people are like children, anyway, and I should had known better. We learn something new everyday. That lesson was about a customer service - nerdy and rich people are vain and selfish. Not only they like to be served. As they get bored easily, they also need to be entertained. I could possibly make much more money with that mummy's boy. Had I kept his mind busy with a conversation, he wouldn't have had time for his smartphone and if ignorance is bliss then blessed are the blessing.